2000-12-07 -

There are two very special words in the English language.

When you say these words, you mean them. They are your only solace, your deepest feeling. Your whole being goes into saying these two words. You want nothing more than to say them and have them be listened to.

When you *hear* these words (depending on the situation), they mean something completely different. They're almost meaningless. You don't want to hear them, you can't believe them, and odds are you don't accept them. They're the last thing that would make anything better.

Do you know what these two magic words are?

I said to him, on the verge of tears, "I'm weak."

And he said to me, "No, you're strong. You put up with so much shit. You are so strong."

That is *why* I am weak. Because I put up with so much shit. If I were strong, I wouldn't put up with anything. I'd stand up for myself, overcome my demons, past and present. I'd say "yes" when I want something and "no" when I don't want something. I'd not cave at everything. I don't WANT to "put up" with things anymore.

I am weak because I am scared. Terrified. I don't believe that someone can be angry with me and not be horrible to me. When I recognize an angry tone of voice I freeze up and sit quietly waiting for the explosion. Waiting for my fifty lashes. Waiting to be cut down and reamed for something I didn't even know I did wrong. Waiting to be walked out on. I sit there and I can't move, I can't speak. The only words that will come out of my mouth are "imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry".

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to.